Finding Little Joys Again
Hey Mallory, I am SO excited to write to you through this blog! I've always wanted a penpal. I'm sorry to hear Miley died. To be honest, my Tamagotchi Hannah has been "resting" all week... I know, I know. I'll revive her tomorrow and find your message about how to pause her again. XD I think that's the only way I can keep her alive through 5 classes.
What you shared about giving all of yourself to work resonates with me. I am happy your internship is over for your sake, though I am sure it's surreal in many ways for you. After probably years of thinking that place could be a final destination for your career..
But you know what? I'm proud of you for expanding beyond it. For finding the grace within yourself to accept that an old hope or expectation can have room to evolve into something greater. That you define that reality and desire for yourself, whatever the new one may be.
I am happy Miley has given you reprieve from busy schedules and to-dos. For me, it's been reading, surprisingly.
I have been reading somewhere between 20 and 40 pages every day for my classes, yet somehow my mind is alive enough to read for fun. I've decided not to question it and take the win.
I've been reading the series "A Court of Thorns and Roses", it's like a fairy romantasy. A new book in the series comes out in October.. and that notorious toxic relationship paused me smack-dab in the middle of reading the series about 3 years ago. So getting back to reading ACOTAR feels like picking up where I left off with my hobbies. Plus there's hot faeries! ahaha
It's honestly nice. It's been months, maybe even years, since I've looked forward to alone time with myself. I always dread slow moments - when my many whirring thoughts can catch up to me. So, reading for fun has created a softer place to land.
Another little joy I'm starting to reclaim - I've gone out with some family members a couple of times over the past week or so. It's been months since I've gone out for coffee or gone to a restaurant, and I finally did.
It was hard, which feels kind of silly. I dissociate a lot through simple plans. But considering the company I was in the last time I did either of those things, I'm proud of myself.
My mind didn't want to allow myself to go. Leading up to leaving for that cute local Italian restaurant, my mind said, "you can't do this. It's too much for you right now." I was mere seconds from a panic attack, but something in me knew I'd regret not going. So I did.
And thank goodness because those ricotta stuffed shells were gooooood. It took a good 30 or 45 minutes to feel present in my body, as does most things I do for the first time since the breakup. Even still, I have to remember:
I reclaimed restaurant outings. I reclaimed time with my family. And I reclaimed the (eventual) joy I get from saying "yes" to life.
It takes a lot to remember the good over the bad. It doesn't mean I won't stop trying, though.
I have one of my textbooks staring into my soul at the moment, which I should probably get back to reading.
Writing like this is so rejuvenating. Thank you for creating this space for us, Mallory. <3 I can't wait to read what you write next.
Your friend, Emberly